For those of you who don't know, I work for a charity that supports people through pregnancy crisis and pregnancy loss. So Jill's story really struck a chord in me for that reason. But also because I, too, have been in the position of knowing I have to do what God has called me to do, knowing I have to sing to Him in worship, knowing He is good when I've been broken.
Singing is the main way I converse with God (and I confess that the second one is screaming at him when I'm angry about suffering and injustice. and yes, I do mean screaming. And yes I know God is good. But I still end up screaming and yelling and have a big tantrum about it. Thankfully, God can take it. His grace is amazingly sufficient and ever flowing).
There have been times where like Jill, I've been worshipping - leading worship in fact - and I just haven't felt that presence that to be honest, I pretty much always feel when I'm leading others in prayer, praise and worship to him.
Because I've been broken.
I've never told the person (and I think he reads this blog so now he'll know...oops) but the only reason I answered the phone the day I was first asked to sing at Powerpoint is because I thought it was my friend Andy announcing the birth of he and his wife's firstborn (to whom I'm known as 'Auntie Laurie'). I was basically flat out on the coach dosed up on painkillers a-plenty that afternoon. But I remember when I was asked I knew straight away that I had to sing.
The practice was tough - I remember feeling so ill and trying to hide it. But as soon as all the young people arrived, and we began to worship - I didn't just know God was there. I could feel His presence. I had to choose to declare what I knew to be true, when life was trying to get at me and make me believe it wasn't.
2 weeks later was when I discovered my Dad had taken off, stopped all contact and left me with a £1,500 bill to pay. 3 months later I discovered why. 4 months later my sister got in contact and poured out what had been going on since during a very tense long-distance phone call. 1 year later he was in the middle of a court case. Now he's in jail.
During these last 2 years there have been so many times when I've been miserable, bitter, resentful, angry. I think the poor folks who have been in worship team with me deserve a medal, because I have been a pain in the neck to be around! But all along, though I've still wondered 'God I know you are here, but why do I feel so out-of-sorts, why can't I breakthrough this? ' I've known that God is still the same God He was before. He is the God that already brought me through so much and can bring me through much more. He is bigger than all my struggles, pain and brokenness.
And whatever my circumstance, He deserves praise.
Jill, I know that your little boy is heaven, and I imagine he is proud for the strength his Mummy has shown. Our God is the one who has the victory.
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